or, "When the Law of Unintended Consequences ATTACKS!"
This just in from the "TMI" files...
So, my therapist and I have been working, as I've alluded in other posts, on issues that have unmasked themselves in the wake of my first bout of primary-less-ness since the first few months after I washed back up in SF with 2 boxes, a computer, and a cat back in 1998. And I had the whole "getting on my feet" thing (and romancing my next primary) to keep myself distracted back then.
I know you wouldn't necessarily think it to see my participation here on FA, but I have very serious motivation and self-worth issues. I'll move mountains for friends and loved ones (I'm such a validation junkie!)...but when it comes to doing the things I need to do solely for myself, I'm almost paralyzed...requiring things to slip into a crisis state to finally break the stasis and act on my own behalf.
I've been like this for as long as I can remember...on back into the childhood that's rather opaque to me despite not containing any of the kinds of nasty abuse that many I know have suffered.
And why, you might ask? (So glad you did...)
Because somewhere very early on, my parents got told that I was some kind of sooooper-genius, and to expect great things from me...
I could read before I was 3, I was placed into preschool a year early to help with my social development (HAH!), and made all-city youth symphony by 9 or 10 (clarinet, if you were wondering). This was the program I was put in as an elementary school student, up until 5th grade:
The seminar program provides for students in grades 3-12 who score three standard deviations above the mean or 99.9% on the Raven Progressive Matrices test. Modifications of depth, complexity, acceleration and novelty are applied to core curriculum at levels commensurate to student ability. Factors as mentioned above may be applied to identify 99.6-99.8% range in accordance with procedures developed by the GATE psychologists.
When my Dad got stationed in Italy at a small base that barely had a K-8 school, much less any accelerated programs. So, early on in my 6th grade year, and already a year young for my grade, I got bumped up to the 8th grade.
I won't bore you with the rest of that particular part of my story right now. I just mean it to illustrate where I'm coming from about "weight of expectations" early on.
And it didn't matter how much I excelled, because I could always do better. Got a B? Why not an A? Got a 98%? Why not 100%? Got 100%? Was there extra credit? The notion of "good enough" or of truly unconditional validation was an alien concept in my household...add onto that my creeping realization that my parents would never be able to understand the person I felt I was becoming...not that I knew who she was yet, just that I know that my path was going to take me where my parents couldn't understand.
I don't say this to trash my parents, who really did the best they could with a difficult child (on many levels!) and with their own emotional baggage from their own upbringings. (Thank goodness this particular cycle breaks with child-free me!) But they really did want only the very best for me and saw, understandably, academic achievement as the means toward a secure life. Buckle down now for happiness later, "everything they never had", and all that.
But the net result is someone who realized very early on that nothing would ever be good enough, no praise ever unqualified, no love unconditional. Under those circumstances, why let expectations be created at all? And why leap to action for myself when nothing I ever do will truly express my potential. (A loaded word if ever there was one.)
I also learned that my last-minute (or even post-last-minute) effort would be enough to free me from serious consequences. I'd get the A (even if the comments would point out that, while A-level work, they wondered what I could have done if I hadn't rushed things), pay the bill before the power's turned off, arrive before I'm offensively tardy, or finally do the dishes that evolved in my sink before someone called the health department.
But the thought of just getting up and working on my web site, decorating my apartment, or doing some writing for the most part leaves me a quivering mass of anxiety.
And you want to know how insidious it is? All I can think is, "imagine if I beat this...imagine what I could accomplish."
Re:The Crushing Weight of Expectations - 06/18/2006 5:21 pmDamn girl- that can be hard. Your parents were doing the best they could but made things worse. Gifted kids often have these kind of problems. But now that you are an adult with an amazing set of friends to support you, you have a chance to move beyond all that. I love you even if you get all B's.
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Weirdodragoncat Posts: 326
Re:The Crushing Weight of Expectations - 06/21/2006 12:02 pmYou and I are still friends after gods only knows how many years. That right there is an accomplishment. I do worry some that you tie too much of your potential happiness to whether or not you have a 'primary'. You are wonderful despite lack of attachment and will be wonderful with attachment...doesn't matter.
and ya know....we need to get you out into more social situations so that you (and me) can start to get past some of the social inadequecies(sp?) you think you have.
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SonyaLynn Posts: 10927
Re:The Crushing Weight of Expectations - 06/21/2006 1:57 pmWeirdodragoncat wrote: You and I are still friends after gods only knows how many years. That right there is an accomplishment. It's just a testament to our respective forebearance and sanity, hon. We haven't killed each other yet!
I do worry some that you tie too much of your potential happiness to whether or not you have a 'primary'. You are wonderful despite lack of attachment and will be wonderful with attachment...doesn't matter. Well, that's the thing, isn't it. It puts my primary into the position of being my main source of a kind of validation I should be able to photosynthesize for myself...and probably turns me into a bit of an emotional vampire. (As opposed to the fun, sexy, bite-y kind!)
What I don't know yet is how to do that for myself, how to free myself from the weight, the anxiety, the specter of failure, and just DO stuff without worrying that I'm doing it better than anyone else possibly can, or that anything less than perfection is unworthy of existence when it comes from me.
and ya know....we need to get you out into more social situations so that you (and me) can start to get past some of the social inadequecies(sp?) you think you have. Yeah, I know...baby-steps, tho, right? *sighs*
Re:The Crushing Weight of Expectations - 06/23/2006 2:09 pmI think one of the things I love about you most is that you are not only aware that you have flaws...you're willing to discuss them and look for solutions. I've noticed you (like me) don't get all hung up on the taboo's of what one is 'supposed' to talk about and what one is not.
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SonyaLynn Posts: 10927
Re:The Crushing Weight of Expectations - 06/23/2006 3:23 pmWeirdodragoncat wrote: I think one of the things I love about you most is that you are not only aware that you have flaws...you're willing to discuss them and look for solutions. I've noticed you (like me) don't get all hung up on the taboo's of what one is 'supposed' to talk about and what one is not. Well, unlike some people I can think of (who like to SCATTER words in CAPS in their POSTS), I actually like to do this little thing called "evolving".
*chuckles*
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Unsubscribed Posts: 287
Re:The Crushing Weight of Expectations - 06/25/2006 6:23 pmThere's an interesting coincidence... I got stuck in the whole child prodigy / accelerated crap too... looking back, it hasn't done a damn thing for me besides making me feel like a social outcast. The "coincidence" part is that I learned to hate the word "potential" with a passion.
"You have so much potential!". Ok, so you're saying my efforts so far are pathetic... but if I'd just work harder, I might accomplish something you'd approve of? *sigh* Amazing how one word can be so passive-aggressive, eh?
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SonyaLynn Posts: 10927
Re:The Crushing Weight of Expectations - 06/26/2006 12:50 pmGharp wrote: There's an interesting coincidence... I got stuck in the whole child prodigy / accelerated crap too... looking back, it hasn't done a damn thing for me besides making me feel like a social outcast. The "coincidence" part is that I learned to hate the word "potential" with a passion.
"You have so much potential!". Ok, so you're saying my efforts so far are pathetic... but if I'd just work harder, I might accomplish something you'd approve of? *sigh* Amazing how one word can be so passive-aggressive, eh? That it is. It's a cudgel implanted in our own psyche by the people allegedly there to help us the most...our parents, teachers, etc. And we gleefully take it and use it to beat ourselves either out of doing things (because they'll never live up) or about the things we HAVE accomplished, well...not living up. "You set up a social networking site? Wait...you didn't even do it all yourself? Much less no cure for cancer or winning strategy for the Democrats in '06?!? What's WRONG with you?"
*sighs*
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Euphoria Posts: 28
Re:The Crushing Weight of Expectations - 06/27/2006 2:13 amSonyaLynn wrote: Gharp wrote: "You have so much potential!". Ok, so you're saying my efforts so far are pathetic... but if I'd just work harder, I might accomplish something you'd approve of? *sigh* Amazing how one word can be so passive-aggressive, eh? That it is. It's a cudgel implanted in our own psyche by the people allegedly there to help us the most...our parents, teachers, etc. And we gleefully take it and use it to beat ourselves either out of doing things (because they'll never live up) or about the things we HAVE accomplished, well...not living up. "You set up a social networking site? Wait...you didn't even do it all yourself? Much less no cure for cancer or winning strategy for the Democrats in '06?!? What's WRONG with you?"
*sighs*
You know, it's ironic how long I resented my parents for not letting me skip grades when it was suggested and how I thought that was the reason I always felt odd and out of place. I guess sometimes we're just odd and out of place because we're special.
Sonya, I don't really know if this will help you at all, but learning it in my own life, about my family, has really helped me immeasurably: consider the source of the criticism. Consider what the critics have accomplished, who they are and how valid the expectations are.
Once I realized that I was getting upset over criticism from people I would never want to be like and who I understood though they'd never even attempt to understand me, who I was, or where I was coming from or, in fact, would be capable of doing so if that attempt was ever made I was freed in a way I never imagined possible. It took work and many reminders until I mastered the ability to not let these people and their ideas get to me, but master it I have, and somehow I now actually revel in their disdain for me.
I revel in openly acknowledging that I like myself and the way I choose to live my life and don't give a shit what they think about it. I don't judge them or the ways they choose to live and they no longer have any power over me and the way I live.
Take back the power you allow others to have over you and reign as the queen of your domain!
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SonyaLynn Posts: 10927
Re:The Crushing Weight of Expectations - 06/27/2006 12:14 pmEuphoria wrote: You know, it's ironic how long I resented my parents for not letting me skip grades when it was suggested and how I thought that was the reason I always felt odd and out of place. I guess sometimes we're just odd and out of place because we're special. That's pretty much it...though I do wonder what would have been if I hadn't been skipped. I'm not thinking it would have been a panacea and I would have suddenly been all well-adjusted and stuff if not for that. I have far too many symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome for that. But I think it might...maybe...possibily...have been easier. That, and maybe if more of the schools I attended over the course of my youth had been closer to my home (for 10 out of 14 years of pre-college school attendance were at least a half-hour's drive away from my home...those other 4 I had something resembling groups of friends, but they weren't even contiguous years, and I started all over at college again anyway! ). But that's all "what-if".
And that grass always looks greener over there, doesn't it?
Sonya, I don't really know if this will help you at all, but learning it in my own life, about my family, has really helped me immeasurably: consider the source of the criticism. Consider what the critics have accomplished, who they are and how valid the expectations are.
Once I realized that I was getting upset over criticism from people I would never want to be like and who I understood though they'd never even attempt to understand me, who I was, or where I was coming from or, in fact, would be capable of doing so if that attempt was ever made I was freed in a way I never imagined possible. It took work and many reminders until I mastered the ability to not let these people and their ideas get to me, but master it I have, and somehow I now actually revel in their disdain for me.
I revel in openly acknowledging that I like myself and the way I choose to live my life and don't give a shit what they think about it. I don't judge them or the ways they choose to live and they no longer have any power over me and the way I live.
Take back the power you allow others to have over you and reign as the queen of your domain!
That's kind of the problem. At this point it's so internalized, "the critic" is ME. The work I'm doing with my therapist is to start diminishing that voice in my own head. It's some seriously old programming in there that needs re-coding.
If these expectations or criticisms were coming from outside of me at this point, I would be able to shrug it off fine. I don't care what most people think of me. And the ones I do care about like me, so if and when they criticise me, I know it's gonna be constructive rather than destructive (otherwise, back into the "don't care" category they go!).
The power I need to take back is my own power over me...the ability to just do stuff without it having to have a "perfect" or specific outcome to be worth doing. I need to be able to enjoy my own company, to validate myself (at least most of the time...sometimes we do get by with a little help from our friends!)
All that said, we should talk more, Euphy...about your process of throwing off the expectations of others. I'm sure it would be applicable to throwing off my own internalized ones.
Re:The Crushing Weight of Expectations - 06/30/2006 11:12 pmEuphoria wrote: You know, it's ironic how long I resented my parents for not letting me skip grades when it was suggested and how I thought that was the reason I always felt odd and out of place. I guess sometimes we're just odd and out of place because we're special.
I didn't actually skip grades, I just took half my classes (science, math, and english) with the kids who were 2 yrs older. (Art, PE, etc were with my normal grade) :/ From my friends who skipped, and from those who could, but didn't... I don't think either one had a "normal" time. I felt odd and out of place with the older kids, even though we knew the same stuff - (He's the weird kid genius... *shun*) Ditto with my classmates - (He's too smart to take classes with us... *shun*)
As for being "special", "different", a "prodigy", or just *shudder* "having a lot of potential"... all I got out of it was feeling like I didn't belong anywhere, even with my own friends. After talking with people, I'm not so sure *any* of us felt like we fit in while we were in school... jocks, nerds, preppies, ad nauseum. *wry chuckle* Misfits of the world... on your mark... get set... find your place in life!
SonyaLynn wrote: That's pretty much it...though I do wonder what would have been if I hadn't been skipped. I'm not thinking it would have been a panacea and I would have suddenly been all well-adjusted and stuff if not for that. I have far too many symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome for that. But I think it might... maybe... possibily... have been easier.
I've wound up being a bit of a fatalist, a realist, and a cynic from life... but I don't think anyone really has it any easier, just... different. It always seems easier from an outside perspective, but once we're in it, we'd give anything to pass it on and have what the next guy does.
SonyaLynn wrote: That, and maybe if more of the schools I attended over the course of my youth had been closer to my home (for 10 out of 14 years of pre-college school attendance were at least a half-hour's drive away from my home...those other 4 I had something resembling groups of friends, but they weren't even contiguous years, and I started all over at college again anyway! ). But that's all "what-if".
And that grass always looks greener over there, doesn't it?
Yeah, it's rather uncanny how our perspective can shift in such a short time... My deal was having to move every couple years - 14 homes, 11 schools, and a different "TAG" program every other year, from pre-school through 12th grade. (Dad was a mgr for Albertsons, got xferred a lot) Reverting back to my inner cynic, but all that "grass" is still just grass - it all sucks. We just want what we don't have, and if we had our picks of "what if?", I'd wager we'd just as soon stick with what we already have. (Voltaire's "best of all possible worlds" and all that... Yes, I'm an optimistic cynic - long story.)
SonyaLynn wrote: That's kind of the problem. At this point it's so internalized, "the critic" is ME. The work I'm doing with my therapist is to start diminishing that voice in my own head. It's some seriously old programming in there that needs re-coding.
Now that's an absolute bitch, and I feel for ya... Two days ago, my grandpa told me "You need to stop living for other people - you've damn near killed yourself living up to everyone else's expectations, and God dammit - I just want the old Ger back. The one who didn't give a fuck what anyone else thought, who did whatever the hell he wanted, and told everyone else to fuck off."
The sad part is, he's right... I've been trying to surpass so many people's hopes and expectations that I've been consciously and willingly missing out on my own life, as well as everything I've wanted to do.
Beyond what I was just told, I can't say I really have any good advice to offer, but my major decisions have always been made over a glass of scotch, a cigar, a pen, and paper. If you can find something that works for you... whatever gets you so fired up that you're ready to change your life just for none other than yourself, then go for it!
As Lucas said, "I do not regret the things I've done, but those I did not do."
SonyaLynn wrote: The power I need to take back is my own power over me...the ability to just do stuff without it having to have a "perfect" or specific outcome to be worth doing. I need to be able to enjoy my own company, to validate myself (at least most of the time...sometimes we do get by with a little help from our friends!)
And I wish I could add something to that, but you're absolutely right - you need to find a way to be satisfied with your own efforts, and ultimately with yourself. Took me years to get there, and my end result was Pantera's War Nerve. Not pretty, but it struck a chord. If I get stressed, then I turn to music... if I get cornered by my own life, then I go to War Nerve. (I'm not always a polite bunny )
I feel like a cheesy 70's kung-fu flick by saying this, but... peace & satisfaction come from within. If you can find the one thing that makes you feel at peace with yourself, then hold on to it and grow outward, and use that as your center. Once you find your center, the point where you can set your internal compass, then navigating life is simple.
Or as I'm used to receiving wisdom... "Dammit, it's your fucking life... do it however you damn well please. They've got no right to knock it, unless they can do better, and in that case learn what you can and just keep right on going!" (I come from a blunt family, if you couldn't tell. )
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Nephtys Posts: 290
Re:The Crushing Weight of Expectations - 07/08/2006 7:28 pmWell, if it makes you feel any better about beating yourself up emotionally with guilt; my family (both sides) is rife with high-IQ'd people that don't always peform at the expected potentials.
So, you've got company! lol
You know, everyone's got to find their own path and if you can't have some slack from yourself and the family, then you'll just go nuts. Some sort of healthy balance has got to be struck.
How does that happen? No fucking clue! But, I keep trying. Also, I think that happiness and love are all that really matter in this life. Follow your bliss baby-cakes.
How smart you are has nothing to do with the following. 1. Self image 2. Self worth 3. Self Discovery
Three rather simple things yes but you know what it's about your emotions and well emotions do not follow logic and problem solving. Compassion is not a matrix of a problem in life to solve it is an adventure to live. What made Da Vinci who he was not how smart he was and we all know he was some smart dude as well as Einstein but you want to know what they lived their life fully knowing what they did not as a problem but with love, compassion, convictions and in all of them here motivated by what emotions. So I'd say drop the how smart part leave it set then walk up to your own personal table and solve your emotions to answer to your knowledge do not let your logic rule your emotions.
)
). But that's all "what-if".
